


sadness wormed its way inside your heart

by nahiko



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I'm so sorry, and I don't even know how to tag, why do I do this with the characters I love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 19:45:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3394028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nahiko/pseuds/nahiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I don't want to lose</i>, he thinks. <i>I want to stay on the court for more time. I want to stay. I want to win.</i><br/>But what Tsukishima wanted never seemed to matter ― not even for himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sadness wormed its way inside your heart

**Author's Note:**

> I just have a lot of Tsukishima feels; too much for me to control them.  
> Settled at the end of the anime (I've never read the manga), so beware of spoilers.  
> Any misspelled word, or just confusion in general, please tell me. English isn't my mother language and I usually struggle a bit with foreign grammar.  
> I hope you enjoy :)

Since entering high school ― and a bit before that, too ― Tsukishima wasn't one for showing emotions. As others would smile, laugh, cry, scream... He was quiet. When not bitching around or making snarky remarks about someone's mistakes, Tsukishima wouldn't show anything. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he tired? No one could tell. It was difficult trying to guess what was passing through that mind of his.

Most of people thought he was just indifferent. Cold. Emotionless.

The truth? He was just a good liar ― that's all.

xxx

 _I don't want to lose_ , he thinks. _I want to stay on the court for more time. I want to stay. I want to win._

But what Tsukishima wanted never seemed to matter ― not even for himself. He's just like an spectator, watching as his own team is beat again and again and again. And he wishes they'll win, but he knows Karasuno isn't strong enough to face Aoba Johsai ― at least not yet.

Even as the victory hunger grows inside him, Tsukishima can't bring himself to think that if he was stronger, faster... He knows he couldn't have helped them anyway. Because that's what always happens. Doesn't matter how hard he tries ― he's never going to be good enough. Not to his own eyes, nor anyone else's. If he was a better player, the defeat would've been even worse.

Worse than the bitter taste at his mouth.

Worse than the burning feeling at his lungs.

Worse than the way his stomach drops somewhere between his feet.

If Tsukishima was better, it would've hurt even more than the way it already hurts ― because then maybe he would've been fallen to his knees, too, and his heart would've been in a million scattered pieces all over the floor (just like his teammates').

xxx

Tsukishima was never one for showing emotions. It doesn't mean he can not feel ― it never meant. Maybe it's just a way of self-protection, or maybe is just him trying to pretend, to lie, to tell himself it's something he can control. Because if there's something terrifying, that can make anyone afraid, is to know that whatever you feel, whatever you think, when shown, is something that can be used against you later.

Tsukishima was never one for showing weakness. And if it meant being blank just like the pages of a notebook, hollow and empty, if it meant being shallow like a puddle...

He wouldn't be disappointed. He told himself he wouldn't be.

xxx

 _If no one can see me_ , Tsukishima tells himself. _No one can hurt me._

xxx

It's a funny thing to think about how wrong he was. No one's invulnerable, after all.

Volleyball was just the only thing he couldn't make himself leave behind. The only one. And because of it, he should've know.

If there was a way to break him, he _would be_ broken.

xxx

The crushing weight of failure presses down his bones.

Inside, Tsukishima crumbles.

Outside, no reaction can be seen.

 


End file.
